Thursday, April 24, 2008

Can't think of a title.

Contrary to my last entry, I am confident and in forward movement.
How quickly I change, you say, and I offer no excuse. So be it. Life is such: changing moment to moment and I am allowed to have shifting moods and experiences.
I am moving forward in part because today I gave news that I have officially decided to extend to the Gambia. Position offered, conversation had, and acceptance given. My new PST begins in November, can't yet tell you when my service here in Cape Verde will be officially ending, but rest assured that I am guaranteed 30 days of vacation in the US---family here I come!!

I was reading other people's blogs (note: I added a ton of links to other blogs if you interested and have excess free time), and realized that a) I take forever to update; b) I should put up some recent pictures; c) other volunteers spend time with Americans, which I realized I virtually never do anymore. I almost forget how to speak English; and d) I write too much about my feelings and emotional growth, and not enough about what is actually going on and what I'm doing. Sorry. I've become a whiney female. Let's see if I can change that for a brief moment.

The photography project is up and running, despite not having all the funding in hand (it's all "coming"...). A risk, but one I had to take if I wanted it to ever get started. So we've done the first four sessions, the first of which my photographer showed up for, impressing my girls and pleasing me immensely. I kind of want to marry him. He's very artsy, funny, eager to help, knowledgeable, and has studied sociology, anthropology, and political science. That's official husband material, in case you were wondering. So far things are running smoothly, save a few scheduling setbacks, one dropout due to an outbreak of tuberculosis, and, of course, initial funds running out. Plus my youth volunteers from the CEJ are being a little flakey, which will hopefully be out of their system by mid-May-ish when I need them to start showing up for sessions to help the girls.

Other things: the volunteer corps is up and running, of course not without its problems and kinks--i.e. some volunteers quitting, some not showing up to activities without calling me to let me know, and others still not having started their activities yet. Other than that, the rest of the volunteers are really enjoying it, as are the girls. 2 points for me. I am still teaching English to the younger girls, though it took me three lessons to teach the personal pronouns (I, you, we, they, etc.), and I'm still pretty convinced they don't know how to use "I" or "you". Good thing I don't have a passion for teaching English grammar. Meh. We have a new coordinator at the girls center, a woman named Magy, who was previously the coordinator for the Picos center, and of whom I admittedly have doubts of her competency (she is very sweet and knows the system, but gets stressed out easy, is timid, and has some verbal control issues). Since there was no coordinator for awhile and now we have a new team, I have been feeling slowly pushed out to the outer edges, not included in technical decisions or even informed on some of the basic happenings (this was pushing me more towards helping at the CEJ, spending less time in a place where I didn't feel needed or included). So I mentioned this yesterday in response to a "how things are going" question, which sparked initial awkwardness followed by a brilliant and inspiring conversation with Ercilia, always able to come through and remind me why she's awesome. I miss her. I'm glad she's still giving occasional support as a psychologist to the center.

Other than that, life continues. I am planning a few activities together with Eneida at the CEJ: training and support program for a new youth telecenter, a girls' "Miss Intelligence" contest (as opposed to the appalling modeling half-naked contests usually organized around here), and a restructuring of our youth activist/volunteer corps, which needs some serious help (and has ever since I got here, they just wouldn't listen to me). We are also planning HIV/AIDS trainings using these new Scenarios of Africa DVDs Peace Corps gave to those who requested. Should be fun. Essentially I will likely be busy from here on out, no vacation time for me. Oh well.

I realized (as I mentioned earlier), that I no longer really spend time with Americans or speaking English. Santiago volunteers don't often get together, I am busy at work, and Nick and I rarely interact due to our schedules. So it's Cape Verdeans and Brazilians for me. Huh. I guess that's integration. Plus I have a boyfriend. All Criolu all the time.
Anyway, not much else to say at the moment. Here's a few pictures to tide you over. A few won't upload, but they'll come soon enough.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Halted

I feel halted. In a weird place of haltedness. Projects have started, things are going more or less according to "the plan", a.k.a. work is getting done. But I am halted. And a little bit feeling-less. I think it's the pressure in me for movement. Physical, emotional, geographic movement. Routines though often comforting, make me bored. I need to leave, to get up, to go home, to come back, to go to a new country, to dance, to take a vacation, to play hooky one day. I need to feel anxiety, the pounding heart ready to sing in front of a crowd. Everything is too familiar, and in a way I am growing uncomfortable with. By this I mean I am sick of being so categorically different that "me" becomes an irrelevancy--I am seen only as that difference, unique insides forgotten or ignored. I am sick of that loud brazenness I once found so endearing in the "uneducated country women". It's still endearing, but today I want a break.

I think what is scaring me is the unknown. I am most comforted when I can pretend I know what the future holds, at least to a miniscule degree of certainty. That miniscule degree seems to be erasing itself. I no longer know where I will be in 6 months, no longer am certain of a thing to look forward to. It might still be there, but the feigned certainty is gone. Haven't heard from Gambia in a month, despite repeated emails. Does that mean it's not an option? I know staying here would be logistically easy, but I can't bring myself to do it. And I can't explain why. I just don't want to right now. And maybe a month in the US would change all that, but how can I make a decision based on a loose "maybe"? If I go back to the States I have no clear prospect of what I would do, where I would even begin looking for a job I could enjoy. Not ready for it yet.

So it leaves me halted, wordless. So often in all aspects of my life here I feel as though my hands are tied behind my back, so much lack of control, so much waiting for other people to do their part, so much playing the part and not feeling satisfied. And this is the moody bi-polar in me, shifting seamlessly from the garrish trumpeter proclaiming the wonders of here, of my work, to the weary mute unable to put forth the cheerful confidence expected by others.

I start getting sick of these attitudes I see in myself, this whining, the constant "I'm so sick of..."s that get sprinkled around like useless seeds.

So I'll stop for now. Focus on work, forget all else. Erase the dream you had last night of going home. Continue with your projects, hoping that the money you think will come in actually does.

Too much that is halting me.