Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The changing me enters the changing world...?

As I sit soaking up the last few weeks of silence and near absence of responsibility, I find myself in a state of complex introspection, of confusing impotence. I think of Africa and of all I have learned this past year, of all the knowledge soaked up about development, aid, poverty, culture, imperialism, and exploitation. And I sit in my well-anticipated state of unknowing, of complete ambiguity. Perhaps as the adage goes, the more I know the less I understand. I expected this, I knew that despite the intriguing, inspiring, and helpful nature of my graduate coursework, I would come out with few if any answers. Well, I suppose maybe I expected a few, or at least a magic key to solve the world's problems.

I see images of Africa on TV, hear the words of Bono, the proclamations of Angelina Jolie and other hopeful celebrities attempting to use their image and influence to show we the humble masses the way to help those less fortunate than ourselves. I see the starving babies of Africa, the hopeful eyes of their mothers, the pleas for help in the fight against AIDS, all in an attempt to awaken our supposedly deadened souls from the grips of modernization and materialism. And I wonder where it all comes from, where it's all going. I find myself critical at any proposed answers, at any blueprint for salvation, at those who rush to help with blessed intentions and cursed results. And I don't want to fall into that category: those who want to take their compassion for humanity and translate it into purposeful action, but who perpetuate the structures they hope to disempower. Cynical? Maybe. But good questions to raise nonetheless. And so I wonder what the answer is. Do we internalize a little of the bad with the good? Perhaps. Do we all run blindly to Africa to save the starving babies? Of course not, although some of us might be crazy enough to embark on similar endeavors. And we do so because we have to believe that some good can be done, that a difference can be made and that we can be a part of that. We may even attempt to profess humble purposes, that we claim no glory in our sacrificial journeys (while secretly we may glow a tiny bit in hearing that we might be courageous). It's human nature, it can be said, to seek answers, to seek purpose, and maybe even to seek balance in the world.

And so I sit in my internal battle, wondering how to approach it all. How do I profess my heart, my intentions, all that's bottled up inside, without becoming the exploiter, the imperialist, the savior? How do I avoid intellectual pride, turning away comments like "Good for you!" and remembering that no amount of classes and textbooks will make me superior, remembering that I don't WANT to be superior? Realizing there are no answers (at least not that I possess) furthers my goal of entering Africa with an open mind, open heart, and as little blatant agenda as possible, and sometimes leaves me wondering what I have to offer. I find myself more intrigued with what Africa has to offer itself. Sometimes I am amused with western culture and its efforts to "help" the world, the more "primitive" or "undeveloped" cultures, grasping at straws. And I find myself a part of it, because as amusing as it may be, it's all we've got, pending further innovation. Should white westerners be there in the first place, are we doing more harm than good? Too late, I guess. And certainly too late to sit back and pretend I don't know Africa exists, and that I have no stake in its future. I can feel it in my bones, I ache for it, want it to become a part of me, at the same time that I wonder if I'm allowed to have it as a part of me. Where did it all begin, where does my connection with them exist? Sometimes I feel more solace in the abstract whole of it all, the one great story that takes me away from the present, from the confines of modern life and movement to draw my attention to the "ways of the world", to how it all came to be this way. Which I guess I don't really know, but is perhaps more comforting than trying to come up with answers to how we can fix the world.

I'm sure this all seems abstract and maybe even a little contradictory to the journey I'm about the begin, but it helps to define my frame of mind as I get ready to leave, to grasp at some sense of balance or perspective. To realize that as important as this new adventure may be to me, there is no certainty that comes with it. No magic wand that reveals what I am doing as right or wrong. Life changing? Yes. Meaningful and even needed? Yes. The appropriate thing to do? For now... I'm so excited, so ready, so eager. Aaaaand trying to somehow remain a blank yet carefully crafted canvas. What a task.

And I suppose this is a great introduction for all of you to the complexities of my processing methods, a brief glimpse at the millions of thoughts that run through my head at any given moment. Rest assured, not all entries will be like this, some may even be funny (gasp!) or anecdotal. :) But to start any big life change (I'm running out of synonyms and phrases for "journey"), means careful thought and asking tough questions. If only I could represent all of what I've learned, processed and questioned throughout the past few years in this small writing space....

...I'm sure you're thankful that I can't!