Sunday, October 19, 2008
Can't look away from a train wreck
I don't know how to start this. I'm not only backed up on events but backed up on emotions. This may end up a series of entries, randomly processing the craziness that things have turned out to be.
I am back in the US. I got back on September 18th, staying a little longer than my fellow volunteers under the presumption that I would have some home leave before returning to Africa. However, I was informed that I had a recent medical development that could interfere with...well, my life. Which it turned out to do. No more transfer to the Gambia. No more plan A. Much less certainty as to where I will go and what I will do. I am still doing further testing and possibly procedures to clear it up, it's certainly nothing to worry too much about. But needless to say plans have changed a bit. Devastated? Yes. What can I do about it? Nothing.
I've been back for about a month now, and have been wandering around seeing people, had a family reunion in California, saw aunts and uncles in Spokane, spent a week in Arizona with family, and just spent this last week saying goodbye to my sister and best friend as she left for India, Nepal, Cambodia, and Thailand with her boyfriend. We dropped her off at the airport this morning and I'm not quite ready to explain the emotions yet. Later blog.
There are way too many things to attempt to address or deal with right now, needless to say I'm trying to take everything one day at a time without losing all concept of the future and the big picture. Leaving Cape Verde devastated me and my heart remains broken. I don't feel at home or happy here, nor do I truly want to stay here much longer than necessary. Not to be super negative, but truthfully it is hard being back. I felt there was nothing waiting for me here except my family and a few scattered friends still in the US and still remembering my name. I expected that, I've moved around too much to have any kind of stable friend base.
Anyway, before digressing into a rambling mess of unprocessed feelings about being back, this brief update will just serve to let you all know where I'm at. The plan for now is to hurry up and finish final touches on the Masters so that I can officially have it and apply to jobs, since now is prime time to get international jobs in my field. I'm exploring all my options, but am preferring to stick to international work, either for Peace Corps or an NGO, whichever works out. I'm still trying to decide if I want to jump into a bigtime job to help get rid of school loans, or if I want to follow my impulsive heart and be young, artistic, and travel around playing anthropologist. So many things to work through and so much quicker than I thought...thought I had another year to work all that out.
So here I am, dealing with so many things trying to rip my heart out, and I'm just trying to maintain calm for as long as possible. They say to keep busy, which makes perfect sense, except with what?? I have little to busy my time with it seems. Watching political commentary? Reading books and drinking too much coffee? I want to speak to people, groups, schools about my experience like everyone suggests, but how do you do that? I have this giant irrational fear that no one wants to hear it and I'll be unwelcome wherever I go. There are a lot of parts of you that become irrational after things like this. My English also sucks.
One day I will become articulate again, gain back my vocabulary. In the meantime, expect several whiney entries about my feelings and sorrow, using the few words that make sense to me now.