On the TO DO list: What to do with my life.

Here's my latest dilemma: What do I want to do with myself once this Peace Corps tour in Cape Verde officially ends next summer?

I have been thinking for quite awhile now about extending for another year in another country on the continent of Africa, to work more in rural (vs. urban) youth development. For several months, this has been the unquestioned assumption, that it will happen, that I will get accepted, and that it will all fall into place. I will get the "living in a hut, learning French, teaching young mothers and children" experience I wanted, no questions asked. What abused freedom it is to allow ourselves to dream uninhibited...

So then lately I have been exploring other options. Still determined I want to be on the continent, but wondering if there aren't other things. My country director suggested I think about professional development in the US (indicating potential to do great things, reach for the sky, and move my 9 to 5 way up the international development ladder); a friend suggested I utilize my high employability here in Cape Verde to find a job and stay here (already know the language, already integrated, more qualified for employment than many nationals). I shut that option out for awhile, thinking I couldn't handle certain aspects of the culture and lifestyle, but maybe it could work...

So I'm back in that floaty, drifting, wondering phase where I try and figure out which direction my life is going to take. Am I going to be that person who avoids concrete responsibility and "real jobs" by remaining international and hiding in African jungles? Or am I going to be that well-dressed, Starbucks-drinking professional who convinces herself she is working her way up to structural change or saving the world one latte and government job at a time? Or do I stay here in this weird inbetween world, where I am neither and both at the same time?

I sent out inquiries to various Peace Corps programs in Africa, and almost immediately received my first response, indicating that while Iwould assuredly be a fruitful contribution, I would need intermediate-high level French, which is what I want but don't have. So will I soon be receiving similar responses that indicate my lack of language (despite the intangible desire to learn French) disqualifies me? If that is the case, I may start thinking about locating other means of working in Africa outside of Peace Corps, a much more complicated yet equally feasible means. That way I could teach myself basic French and then continue to learn as I go.

I really want to do this. I want to have French...and Spanish, and Portuguese, and the completely useless Kriolu. Hell, why not add on Italian and German. Okay, maybe not German, I don't enjoy it and it's slightly less useful. But I digress...

So do I add teaching myself French onto the list of responsibilities I currently embrace? A good friend of mine teaches French at the local high school and already agreed to give me lessons. But time is likely a factor, as I know few individuals who can learn a difficult language in a few months. Now I seem to be rambling, which is of course what spur-of-the-moment blogs are supposed to be about, right?

Let's see if I can move towards making sense of this update. So basically, I am writing to describe my personal debate over my future. I was writing a letter to a good friend of mine, and trying to elaborate on this idea that our stage in life (the early-mid 20s) is kind of the definitive point where you determine which direction the rest of your life takes. Here is where you ascertain whether you will be a career traveler/int'l dev't worker, wife/mother, powerhouse careerwoman, etc. etc. etc. Still essentially unattached in any real sense to expectations of the world (other than those fabricated by our social surroundings), we are free (as white Americans) to roam about, exploring our options, and worrying about how to get it all done in a neatly-packaged time frame. Sometimes the pressure seems to be too much.

It's easier to sometimes let circumstances decide your future: we limit ourselves based on what one person says (which you then expand to envelop the opinions of all), or the "she/he said no", or other mundane details like the weather, or...things I can't pull off the top of my head at the moment. It evades any real sense of decision-making or accepting of responsibility. So what if I don't want to do that? Screw the no-French, there must be a way around it, if it's what I really want. Unchecked optimism...

Hmm, it appears I've reached a mental roadblock, so maybe it's best to quit the rant for now. I'll have more to update as far as my future goes soon, I hope.

As for other things, my dad was just in town, and recently left on Sunday. I had to work much of the time, which probably wasn't exciting for him, but hopefully he enjoyed himself. It was quite a learning experience, having both parents come, and interesting to note the stark differences between the two experiences. If you want to know more about how it went, please ask me and I will be happy to expound.

Cinza still is not back, and hope is fading into the background. Neighbors have been no help, and I am beginning to think someone took her far away, too far for her to find her way back.

I am getting bars placed on my bedroom window to keep the crazy drunkard from harrassing me at my window all the time. He shows up most often during the middle of the night or early in the morning, not the sight you want to wake up to, i.e. mumbling threats and waving a bamboo stick at my window. Creepy.

We almost got kicked out of our house due to an argument between our landlord and my housemate, which essentially still hasn't been satisfactorily resolved. But at least we no longer have to move, which would not be a pleasant experience. Needless to say I wil be resolving all housing issues that arise in the future.

Ivete, my counterpart, told me last week that she is officially leaving her job, likely within the next few months. So: Andreia left, Ercilia is leaving in about a month, and now Ivete. The three pillars of the Center (not to mention of my own personal life and integration in Assomada) will be gone. At least the latter two are still in Assomada and accessible to remain close friends. But it was a pretty depressing moment. Ivete and I both cried a bit, as she has been a very important person for me. She says she wants to see if she can still be my counterpart throughout the rest of my service, to at least see me through. We'll see.

For now, that's about it for updates. I will attach some journals about recent experiences in the near future; perhaps next time I'm in Praia...

So until then.